Men and Scoreboards

By Angelyn

Men are being graded everyday. I hate to admit this to the world, but it’s true.

This article is for men out there who would really want to know how to love his girl the way she wants to be loved. This blog is also written in agreement with Dr. Steve Stephens’ book Lost in Translation, specifically on The Point System chapter.

Do you recall the last time you told your partner, “You’re moody again”? That most probably is true, but really you just GAINED a NEGATIVE SCORE. It must be that you are so low, the feelings had to show.

Women are born to be wooed. Whether you as a man like that or not, or whether your girl admits that or not,  IT IS TRUE. It was how she fell in love with you, it was how why she gave her “YES”  and it will be how she will REMAIN.

Men who go out telling other men that women are hard to understand are lazy. These are guys who forgot how capable they were to making their partner happy. They just simply gave up.

Scores can be gained and/or lost everyday. You have to understand that a point translates to the SMALL things you do for her. Sometimes, due to lack of time, resources and other excuses, men are lured into giving the BIG gifts: a new watch, an expensive gadget, a surprise date in a fine dining restaurant, etc. I hate to break this to you, but that still translates to a point; if she’s nice, 2 points may be. Now do you get it why she is not content?

It’s really the little thoughts and gestures that touches a girl’s heart. CONSISTENCY is KEY. This will definitely give you flying colors. If you could consistently do something, then this is most probably what is in your heart. So if you consistently do not inform her of your whereabouts, she understands this as you don’t want her to know where you are. Whereas if you regularly bring home something you know she likes, she understands this as you thought about her. POINT!

It pays to know her language of love as well. Once you know that, MASTER it. I promise you, you won’t regret it.

So what are you waiting for? Score those points today!

Women are Sponges and Men are Turtles

By Angelyn

Women are multi-taskers. They could be talking on the phone on one hand and preparing her child’s sandwich on another. A friend of mine was talking to me about her experience in zipline in Cagayan de Oro then in the middle of it, she remembered her unfinished report on climate change and started talking about that! Random? Not exactly, more on REAL if you’re a girl.

Dr. Stephens describe women as sponges and men as turtles in his book Lost in Translation. Here, I’ll talk about how and why I personally agree with him.

Sponges absorb liquids as much as it can. It doesn’t spill unless you press them. It just takes everything in.

I’m reminded of a conflict between my friend and her husband. For the millionth time, she reminded him about locking the car doors once they start moving. Unfortunately, Curt just doesn’t find this necessary. So in frustration, my sister said, “If I don’t think about these things, who would?”

Studies say that women are more stressed than men. A probable reason for this could be because just like a sponge, they try to take in as much stress, responsibility and pressure as they can. Another reason could be is that women find it hard to say ‘No’ when faced with a task. Still another, they find it hard to let go of a concern and have it go over their minds in all possible angles they know.

Men as turtles, however, do not react this way. When faced with stress, the natural reaction would usually be to roll on their backs. They would not pay much attention to something that makes them feel unsure, undecided and unstable. This way, their shells remain hard, strong.

As my dad would say, “Sleep on it. Maybe in the morning, you’ll get a new perspective on how to solve the problem.” “What if I don’t? How sure are you that I would?”, was how I usually responded.

Let’s have a quick comparison of the two:

Sponges (Usually Women)

  1. Overanalyze concerns. Check every possible detail, look at different scenarios (“what-ifs”) which can add stress
  2. Internalize and admit feelings
  3. Socialize thoughts and feelings

Turtles (Usually Men)

  1. Deny or postpone concerns. Dislike the feeling of uncertainty so would rather think of other things
  2. Suppress “unmanly” emotions
  3. Strategize and act on what to do

Studies also say that men are more stressed than they realize. They don’t pay close attention so they don’t notice stress related behaviors such as forgetfulness, binge eating, smoking, drinking and the like which may already signal stress to their partners.

One important condition that both the turtle and sponge should be careful about is overcompensation. This often times happen without the couple’s knowledge. When a turtle’s shell is too strong, the sponge feels she has to absorb MORE. This way, the sponge says, we can get things done. Then the turtle counteracts what he sees by having a STRONGER shell in order to avoid more drama. This is where it gets ugly.

In reality, turtles and sponges both need to be more familiarized on how each other react in order to work together. Sponges admittedly envy the strong shells of  turtles and really hope they could worry less. Turtles on the other hand should come out of their shells and step up to the challenge.

Why Men Decide Independently

By Angelyn

There was one time in my relationship with Sean that I felt shut out of his ‘personal’ life. He booked an out-of-town trip for 5 days and 4 nights with his  friends and informed me just the night before he’ll leave. I was hurt, disappointed and need I mention? Upset.

This is another addition to the inspiring chapters I have read in the book ‘Lost in Translation’ by Dr. Steve Stephens.

Women love to talk. I remember when I meet with my girl friends over dinner, we’d end around midnight and one of us will be scheduling the next meet-up as we were not yet done discussing her latest issues. We share our personal experiences on how we felt the same way when her partner did this and that. We give opinions on how-tos and what-thens thinking, she’ll know better how to respond when that thing she’s struggling with happens again. Yes, I know men, it’s mind boggling. But this is a fact. It’s how most girls unwind and release tension, it’s how we’re wired, and definitely it’s how we connect.

Men on the other hand, DO what they think solves the problem. They oftentimes, just do what they think is correct. Men see independent decision making as competence; a strength. If they see an issue, immediately they take care of it. As leaders of the relationship, they feel that it is their role to decide on issues. Many times, they think that their partner’s input may and does cause delay, so they just go ahead and do it.

As the book describes: Guys are track stars, girls are volleyball players. However, in life, there is such a thing called trolleyball.

Women feel loved, close and connected to their partners when they decide together. Issues, except for those that a spouse shows ‘no interest’ on, should be discussed. On the contrary, they feel it’s selfish and inconsiderate when men leave them out of the court.

Men need independence. They enjoy movement. Independent decision making allows them to move on with their next to-do things so they could relax and have their alone times. They view interdependent decisions as messy, could be emotional and unnecessary.

Obviously, trolleyball means that the track star still gets his independence and the volleyball player still enjoys her teamwork. He gets his space, she gets her discussions. I know this is easier said than done. But to make a relationship work, there has to be a balance:

Women understanding men as independent beings. It’s not their intention to leave you out of the game but to lead you in it. Men on the other hand, have to realize that discussions heighten closeness. It is not a question of trust or your capabilities but of mutual respect and working together.

As I continue to study this disparity between men and women, I saw that Sean came back from that trip sweeter and more refreshed at work. He was a track star, running his race and I welcomed him home with a trophy. Surrendering those feelings to God was more than worth-it.

Love or infatuation? Blinded by emotions. God and the heart

By Sammy A

By: Sammy A

Whenever the word “love” comes to your mind, what do you think of? Some may think of their girlfriend or boyfriend, some may think of their parents, some may even think that love doesn’t exist. But haven’t you ever thought of God when it comes to love? The first two reasons could be possible answers, but I think God is the perfect definition for the said word. If you browse through your Bible and go to the book of 1 Corinthians 13, verses four to eight speak about love. Let me type it for you in case you don’t wanna go and grab a Bible:

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily-angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

If you’re currently in a relationship with someone, you would probably think that, “I’m all those. I love my girlfriend/boyfriend perfectly.” Sure, you may love your special someone like that, but do you practice all those traits all the time? I guess not. There will be times wherein you would get mad at your loved one. There will be instances that you would fail someone who loves you so much. And times wherein you keep records of their wrongs will never disappear. So I guess no one could ever reach God’s standards when it comes to love. As early as now, I wanna tell you that only God could love us like that. Only God could meet all those traits all the time. God made us, because He wants us to live an abundant, meaningful life (John 14:6).

Some teenagers nowadays are already allowed to engage in romantic relationships as early as 13 years old. Some adolescent kids, however, tend to hide their relationship status from their parents. The two kind of lovesick teenagers think that they’re so madly in love with the person they fancy that they’re willing to do absolutely anything for the person they’re in a relationship with. If you watch some shows on the television that are about girls who handled sexual and physical abuse from the opposite sex. You see, some girls are willing to lose their virginity, because they think that engaging in a sexual intercourse with their boyfriend would make them feel more loved. But that’s a very, very wrong perspective of love. Sex is a beautiful thing, but it is intended for married people. Those who already committed to spend their lives together come what may. If you think that you’re ready to marry the person you love so you’ll have sex with him/her already while still in your teenage years, let me be the first to tell you that you’re wrong. Well, who am I to dictate who you’re gonna be with, in the future, right? But no one knows who you would end up with. Not even you. Only God knows. And if you think that you’re already ready for marriage, think again. Being ready for marriage means that you are able to sustain a family, pay for the kids’ tuition fees, pay for the bills, and whatnot. How could you pay for all those while getting roughly P500 to P1000 every week? You’ve never thought of that, huh?

If you still insist that you really love someone, I say it’s infatuation. I hate to break it up to you, but you’re infatuated. You’re not in love. Right now, I suggest that you enjoy the remaining years of your youth. Love will come. Don’t be in such a hurry. As of now, focus on how you could love and glorify God more. Go read your Bible or do something unexpected! Help your mom in cleaning the house or study harder. I believe that you and I should spend more time on our studies and on God instead of acting all in love with someone like there’s no tomorrow. Live a life that would make God smile.