Relationships are Messy

It was the resonating voice of reality that echoed through my head as I looked outside the window on a shuttle bound for the city. I breathed a sigh as the thought repeated itself; “relationships are messy.”

Author’s Note: I just had to write this one. Scenarios are fictional.

There was a show on TV last Saturday night that talked about relationships – romantic relationships. And with the volley of questions and answers it seemed there were no concrete answers to anything. I don’t know. Every attempt to answer questions seemed to only bring more questions. And it’s not like the world will stop until we find those answers. No, we are left to live life with such questions hovering over our heads – dumbfounded and confused on what to do when confronted with the issue.

I paced across Krispy Kreme and saw a group of young adults engaged in what seemed to be a very serious conversation. My imagination would suggest they probably have conflicts with some members of their group, discussing their concerns collectively in hopes of coming up with a solution, or maybe just to gain agreement from their peers. I can imagine what they might be saying, “I have my concerns”, “why can’t we just do this instead?”, “I don’t understand.” The litter on their table hinted they might have been there for hours, probably talking about the same issue with the same intensity, and yet still to arrive at a conclusion.

As I was walking to the terminal, a young man passed by. He was talking to someone on the phone, his countenance rather grim and his gestures quite tensed. It could be a problem with a colleague he was working with – frustrated with his seeming apathy and disinterest in the work he does, somehow this young man is left stressed to do what his colleague couldn’t (or perhaps wouldn’t) do. He tried reaching out to no avail. He raised his concern but it was as if he wasn’t heard, and probably at that moment he was on the brink of quitting.

An old lady was sitting at the terminal. Her face was hinted with disappointment, perhaps over a relationship she thought was perfect. She recounted her younger years and traced where she went wrong in her decisions. She must have been reflecting on it for months now. Scars and bruises were on her arms and neck. She had a cane beside her, and from the looks of it she seemed to have purchased it rather recently to aid her limping right leg. Probably her limping leg was also just recently. Her bag was held closely to her chest as she waited for the bus.

A young boy, dressed in white and carrying a backpack, was sitting beside me. He had his headset on, and the volume of his music was probably at its maximum. Despite the noise of traffic, the incessant honking, the sound of engines and the ruckus of ongoing construction, I could hear what he was listening to. It was familiar. It was Simple Plans’ Perfect. His lips were moving with the melody; I can tell he was singing along with it. I wondered what else was on his playlist aside from a song about a son’s efforts to live up to his father’s expectations, and then fail.

I sat down on my office chair, closed my eyes, and thank the Lord for bringing me safely to work. And in my casual talk with God I whispered the same haunting line, “Lord, relationships are messy.” I opened my bible and read His word.

Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. – Philippians 2:3-4

And then it hit me. Relationships are messy because people are messy. But God didn’t mind getting His hands dirty in the mess of my life. And if I am to confess God in my life, I should also be ready to dive into the mess of relationships.

It’s not what I can get, but what I can give.

It’s not what people do (or don’t do) to me, but what I do (or don’t do) to them.

It’s not how I expect to be loved, but how I am to love them.

It’s not about me. It’s about the One whom I belong to. And He gives me these commands: to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength, and to love others as yourself.(1)

Relationships are messy because people are messy, but God doesn’t mind getting His hands dirty. And so should we.

(1) CF Luke 10:27, Matthew 22:37-40, Mark 12:30-31

Beautiful Mystery

“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.” – Ecclesiastes 3:11

 Author’s Note: This one’s from conversations I had during and after GLC class.

I decided to visit Donald Miller’s Blog and found a rather casual yet interesting entry about humanity and its unexplored facets. In his blog he writes,

“I still think the least explored territory is humanity, both collective and individual. It’s not physical territory, I know, but where is there more fearful darkness or illuminating beauty than in the depths of the person sitting next to you on a bus? Where is there more evil and more beauty than in the unexplored cosmos of a human being?”

I think he’s right. More than the ocean or space, humanity is the least explored territory.

I had a short conversation with one of my classmates in GLC before the class started. Little did I know that I said something that piqued her curiosity and self-awareness. During the break, she asked if we could talk more. Though it wasn’t my main point, I explained, “What I see is just an observation. I cannot make decisive comments about you because we haven’t really spent much time together.”

In a separate talk over coffee I told a friend, “If you believe that God created everything and everyone, you could say that He has left a sort of fingerprint upon His creation. We can, then, see and find God’s signature in His work – however hard or hidden it may be.”

Each person is a mystery. So much can be asked of one person, and it takes a lifetime – maybe even more – to fully understand him/her. We are mysteries known only to the One who created us, and the psalmist understood this as he wrote:

For you created my inmost being;

   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; 

   your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

   My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place,

   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body;

   all the days ordained for me were written in your book

before one of them came to be. – Psalm 139:13-16

I would submit to the notion that we are in pursuit of all things beautiful – whatever our definition of beauty is. If we treat each person as a beautiful mystery – fearfully and wonderfully crafted by the Hands of the Creator, we would find ourselves spending time discovering them, understanding who they are, trying to unravel facets of their being, in search for that beauty that is God’s fine print in them. We veer away from (yet not ignore) the flaws we see, as we are flawed and imperfect ourselves. Instead, we choose to believe the best in them. However difficult it may seem, or how tiresome it may get, we choose to remain fascinated and enthusiastic – because we have resided ourselves to the fact that through His eyes we will find God in that person, with His mighty Hand ever at work.

What is Coherence? Walking the Talk

There are only a few people I know who like listening to Ravi Zacharias. It might be a matter of personal taste, I don’t know, but by understanding Christianity through philosophy and logic gives me a sense of coherence in the what and why of the Christian worldview, sometimes as opposed to other competing worldviews.

Author’s note: this one is an extended reflection from a recent conversation over yogurt

Coherence, by dictionary definition, means:

a : systematic or logical connection or consistency

b : integration of diverse elements, relationships, or values

I remember one anecdote Ravi shared in one of his messages. At a conference in a university, while he was speaking a woman who stood up and exclaimed, “Whoever told you that the world needs to be coherent? Where did you get this idea that life had to be coherent? “ In a rather humorous manner Ravi replied, “Ma’am I’ll be very happy to answer your question, I just have one question for you. Do you want my answer to be coherent or incoherent?”

I think he has a point.

Coherence is significant – both in a philosophical worldview’s answers to the fundamental questions in life, and in terms of exhibiting our faith.

Gandhi once commented, I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.”(1) referring to the materialism of Christian countries in contrast to what Jesus claims in Luke 16:13.

Some of us may prove Gandhi’s point.

Charles Spurgeon had this to say:

 “If Jesus is precious to you, you will not be able to keep your good news to yourself; you will be whispering it into your child’s ear; you will be telling it to your husband; you will be earnestly imparting it to your friend; without the charms of eloquence you will be more than eloquent; your heart will speak, and your eyes will flash as you talk of his sweet love.Every Christian here is either a missionary or an impostor. Recollect that. You either try to spread abroad the kingdom of Christ, or else you do not love Him at all. It cannot be that there is a high appreciation of Jesus and a totally silent tongue about Him.”(2)

In Scripture, James used Abraham as an example of coherence:

“Was not our father Abraham considered righteous for what he did when he offered his son Isaac on the altar? You see that his faith and his actions were working together, and his faith was made complete by what he did.” – James 2:21-22

It’s nothing new, actually. It is by doing that we demonstrate coherence in who we claim to be – Christians. Remember, though, that doing (that is, good works) is not a means to salvation, but a by-product of it.

“Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.”  - James 1:22

Hence when God tells us to honor our parents, to submit to authority, to wait on Him, to cease from being anxious, to be still and know that He is God, to regard others more important than ourselves, we do it – not for obedience’s sake but out of humility, reverence and love for God who called us to testify about Him.

Is it easy? No, especially when our emotions take the driver’s seat on situations where we fail to control them. But by being doers of the Word, the faith we profess shines because what we believe is consistent with what people see in us.

Actions lucid with genuine faith keeps us from being regarded as one who believes one thing yet does the opposite – double-minded and insincere. We walk our talk, dependent on the Holy Spirit, with the aim to be more Christ-like.

(1) As quoted by William Rees-Mogg in The Times [London] (4 April 2005)

(2) Charles H. Spurgeon, “A Sermon and a Reminiscence,” Sword and the Trowel (March 1873)

Until God Steps in

Two weeks ago, I’ve decided to stay home on Saturday since I’ve been out on after-office meetings the whole week. It actually gave me the time I needed to catch up on podcasts I subscribe to but barely listen. That time I listened to Timothy Keller, and his message was a bit (well, actually it was a lot) sobering. He talked about having a crushed spirit – its priority, complexity, solitude and how to heal it.

Author’s Note: this one may come across as emo. You have been warned. =p

“The human spirit can endure in sickness,

   but a crushed spirit who can bear?” – Proverbs 18:4

Before, I would often find myself in seasons where I feel disconnected with everyone – that “nobody understands” me or what I’m going through, and people who attempt at doing so will most likely fail. During these seasons I would just lie in bed – confining myself in isolation but at the same time waiting for someone, somewhere to reach out. I would check my phone every so often if anyone sent me anything that would have the slightest semblance of care or concern. I’d have my headset on to drown out both silence and noise while I draw for hours on end, trying to sketch on paper whatever it was that weighed my heart down – struggling to have visual recognition, hoping to make some sense out of it.

Other times I would be in the middle of the crowd, yet still feel detached – often wanting to withdraw.

In all honesty, sometimes I still experience these phases.

I remember one friend back in college telling me, “I wanna understand how you think.” I answered, “Don’t. You’ll go crazy.” I was serious when I said it because sometimes I, too, would reside with the notion that I don’t and can’t understand my own self. All I know is that something was wrong, but I couldn’t determine exactly what it was.

Perhaps back then, I had a broken spirit – one that put its hope on things it knows will eventually be gone, one that I tried to bear but couldn’t. I had a spirit that was confused, disillusioned, and bruised; a spirit longing to receive loving arms and kind words but found none, wanting to give but found no one. I had a spirit that was weighed down, deferred of hope; a spirit that was completely and utterly alone.

In our efforts to heal our broken spirits through self-help books that either ignore or deny the intricacy of our very being – reducing us by focusing only on either our physical, emotional, relational, moral, faith or existential aspect, we discover all the more the truth of our solitude. One may relate to another, but one can never fully understand another.

Perhaps Keller is right – that by consequence of our uniqueness and complexity, we are absolutely and inconceivably alone. That by virtue of our innermost longing to have something to hold on to – things that are supposed to bring us peace, security and the desire to live, and at the same time knowing deep down that everything in this world will pass away, having a crushed spirit is both inevitable and unbearable.

That is, until God steps in.

What are your Blind Spots in your Christian walk?

Sometime a few years back some of my friends introduced me to the Johari Window. A Johari Window is a cognitive psychological tool created by Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham in 1955 in the United States, used to help people better understand their interpersonal communication and relationships. When performing the exercise, subjects are given a list of 56 adjectives and pick five or six that they feel describe their own personality. Peers of the subject are then given the same list, and each pick five or six adjectives that describe the subject. These adjectives are then mapped onto a grid.

Author’s Note: I’ve noticed that my recent conversations with friends had something to do, to a certain extent, with being accountable – hence, this entry. It’s also a memo to myself.

Among the four quadrants, I was most concerned about my blind spots. These are traits I am unconscious of, yet seem to exhibit from another’s point of view. Left unaware, this hidden persona of mine could be disparaging to the relationships surrounding me.

“The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice.” – Proverbs 12:15

I would often find myself dismissing symptoms of my self-hidden behavior as something “normal” and non-offensive, and even reason out to the point of resistance – justifying such manifestations. In frustration I often retort, “You don’t understand the whole story!”

Some may relate with this struggle – that when we are given unsolicited advice to address it we find difficulty in obedience. Perhaps it is the case because we have never confided everything, and so by residing to the fact that they lack enough knowledge of the situation we feel wrongly judged and accused. As my discipler once explained in one of our accountability discussions, “I can only help you to the extent of what I know – of how much you are willing to tell me. I cannot help you in your walk if I don’t know what’s going on.”

I would like to believe that counsel includes a loving rebuke – which often springs when we are caught blindsided by people who concern themselves enough to take notice. We have to come into grips with the fact that there are facets of us that are more evident to others than to ourselves. And with this acceptance, we must find the humility to listen and the wisdom to understand. Accountability starts with laying down the facts – detailed and intimate – and being open to the possibility that we may not be seeing these facts as they are.

“Do not reprove a scoffer, or he will hate you; reprove a wise man and he will love you. Give instruction to a wise man and he will be still wise; teach a righteous man and he will increase his learning.” – Proverbs 9:8

Accountability would [almost] always involve disagreements of varying degrees, but there is wisdom in listening to what we perceive to be an opposing standpoint. It could be that we are operating on our blind spots, and we are invited to a dialogue to let us know that what we’re doing is either unedifying to someone, subject to misinterpretation by the observing public, a potential issue, or simply contrary to what the Bible says. By being pointed out our blind spots, we are able to do something about them and develop our character closer to being Christ-like.

If no one rebukes us, we might be doing the right thing. Either that or perhaps no one knows or cares about what we do. We are blessed when our blind spots are brought to our attention. When it happens, let us listen; because someone loves us enough to be our extra set of eyes when we cannot see the reality and consequence of our own actions and behavior. God, too, loves us – so much that He won’t allow us stay the way we are.

The Unexplainable and the Undeniable

In one of our dgroup sessions, my discipler pointed out the value of one’s testimony. I remember him saying these words: “Testimonies are not only unexplainable, they are also undeniable.”

Author’s Note: I was browsing through my old journal and found some verses that had a “write an article” note on them, but I have somehow forgotten. This is one of them.

The transformed life of the Christian must be characterized as such. At some point we find people who will challenge what we believe, pitting it against their own belief system in a philosophical debate. Whatever the motive, we will often be pushed against the wall; demanded for an explanation for the faith that we confess – that God exists, and that He is good, is a truth that remains unacceptable, even repulsive, to most modern minds.

I’ve read one comment by an atheist in a Christian blog site entry recently. He pointed out in his comment that the God of the bible is nothing more than a fantasy. His contention was anchored at the notion that the bible was written by man, and for one to believe in a God that is found in the pages of a man-made book would imply that he, too, could become god if he writes a book claiming that he is.

He then continues his point by stating that he’d rather believe that which is logical or that which can be proven by empirical evidence rather than something he considers a flight of human imagination. On a separate occasion, I’ve also heard another story of a person who tried to prove the non-existence of God through an experiment – praying the same prayer to God and to a toy dinosaur, and evaluating the results – concluding that the toy dinosaur answered more of his prayers than God, implying that there is no God.

Though we can engage in endless philosophical discussions against such views, we would only find ourselves enraging their proponents by taking an adversarial stance – attacking their philosophy and declaring them wrong in their thinking. I personally believe that living a life pleasing to God is more effective than any theological argument.  In one of his messages, I’ve heard Ravi Zacharias say, “The Christian life is the greatest apologetic.” I believe he is right. Those who do not know the God of the bible or refuse to accept that He exists are compelled to explain something inexplicable presented before them.

They may deny the existence of God, but they cannot deny the Christian’s existence and the transformation that has taken place and is taking place in his life. They may be uninterested to know about God, but they will somehow find themselves asking why the Christian lives the way he does. Our testimony becomes an evidence of the His existence, sovereignty, goodness and love. Like the man who was blind at birth professing before the Pharisees, our lives must be unexplainable and yet irrefutable to those who examine it apart from the truth of a loving God.

He then answered, “Whether He is a sinner, I do not know; one thing I do know, that though I was blind, now I see.” – John 9:25

In his letter, Paul’s instruction to Timothy was to live a life that is pleasing to God – to live out the faith he has proclaimed in the midst of an observing crowd.

“But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness. Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses.” – 1Timothy 6:11-12

We might just be the only Gospel people will ever read. And in reflection I ask myself, “How undeniable is Jesus in my life?”

Keep Walking

Last weekend I was blessed to be part of a retreat that pushed through despite the bad weather. Retreats are always refreshing. At the very least, they provide a momentary, tranquil escape to the otherwise busy state of the city – away from all the hassles of the daily life we live and complicate. They also pull us aside and give us time to reflect on matters we normally shrug off and discount as irrelevant or least priority. Most importantly, retreats give us the serene opportunity to approach God and be intimate with Him – devoid of all pretenses, open to hearing the Gospel and invite Jesus to reign in our hearts as Lord and Savior.

Author’s Note: This is inspired by the recent Singles@Work retreat. =)

For this reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. – 2 Peter 1:5-7

I have heard the Gospel being shared many times over the past years since I have come to know and accepted Christ, but the impact it creates amazes me to this day. To the one who claims that God’s Word is alive and powerful, he has evidence to prove it – the lives being transformed by those who receive it. A full understanding of the good news brings forth not only a sense of unexplainable peace and joy, but a longing to know Jesus even more.

As infants do not remain infants, so should our relationship with the Lord progress from the seed of faith that has been planted in our hearts to a strong and firmly rooted tree bearing much fruit; that we may become God’s letters to the world.

Let us exercise our faith as evidenced by God’s goodness.

Let us examine God’s character in the Scriptures so as to gain knowledge of Him.

Let our understanding of the Lord prevail that we may have self-control.

Let us consider bearing self-control as it is the fruit of the Spirit and perseverance.

Let our perseverance perfect us to godliness.

Let God shine in us to bring others to Christ.

Let us carry out God’s greatest commandments: to love Him with everything we are, and to love others we do ourselves.

To believers, both old and new, it is a comforting thought that the Hand that holds the universe is the same Hand that holds ours as we walk through the path He has set before us; that we are not alone in the journey He has invited us to embark. Let us hold firm to God’s promise as expressed in the pages of Scripture.

“I will never leave; never will I forsake you.” – Hebrews 13:5b

Perhaps the reason for the Christian life being often referred to as a “walk” is that it should be continuous; we progress. We don’t stagnate. We don’t stand still. We don’t slack off. We walk.

Keep walking.

Savior Complex

Saving the worldis more often than not the main plot of most video games – with its protagonist being portrayed as one whom everybody will rely on in the story’s darkest hour; the only one who can restore the balance in the universe, the only one who could stop the maniacal and sinister antagonist, the one who will rescue the captive damsel in distress, the one in whose hands lie the fate of the world. What makes such games even more appealing is that we get play the role of the lead character – with the whole storyline revolving around us.

“Faithful is He who calls you, and He also will bring it to pass.” – 1 Thessalonians 5:24

Perhaps such plots tend to awaken something that is inherent in each individual – the whimsical idea of being the central character in one’s own story. Everything is centered on ME. It’s MY story. It’s MY life.

A book on Kokology consists of a set of questions that aims to understand one’s personality by how a person responds. I remember playing this game of question-and-answer with my college friends a few years back, and a particular question struck me: “What’s your immediate reaction when you see a broken clock?” According to the book, the response to the broken clock reflects one’s reaction upon encountering problems. In my case, my response was immediate; “How do I fix it?” reflecting my urge to solve the problem on hand.

While the proclivity of such an urge is not in itself evil, how we satisfy this urge may very well be influenced by our innate sense of entitlement. “It’s up to ME.”, relying on our own resources we brave through life often without regard of an omnipotent and personal God.

The same can be said about the Christian. Often we decide to take action on the basis of our own strength; forgetting, even momentarily, the sovereignty of the God we have come to believe through Christ Jesus – as if reassuming control and dismissing dependence by telling Him, “Lord, I got this one.”

It could be in handling finances.

It could be in fixing a broken relationship.

It could be on trivial decisions.

It could even be in sharing the Gospel.

The Christian may often forget one simple truth that Paul wrote to the church in Galatia.

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.” – Galatians 2:20

We are no longer the protagonists of our respective tales. Rather, we find ourselves to be part of a far grander story alongside its ONLY protagonist – Who calls us to live out our lives relying on His strength, wisdom and grace in order to play the part He has set for us. Paul clearly understood this when he wrote to the Philippians, “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.”

Thinking Faith

In an email conversation I sent some of my friends at church the devotions I read in the morning. One of them replied, “Hindi ka ba nahihilo sa dami ng devos na binabasa mo?”

Author’s note: This was inspired by a conversation over at Starbucks.

She has a point. But I think more than that, I realized just how dangerous this habit can be. More often than not we tend to replace the bible with devotions. We can argue that these devotions were also derived from scripture, but that’s the problem – they’re derivatives of the scripture, but we tend to take them as if they are.

Recently I’ve had this conversation with a couple of friends regarding emerging/post modern churches. One of my friends mentioned that there was this one pastor that wrote a book with a claim that hell is empty because Christ has already paid for everyone’s sins and hence everyone goes to heaven. It apparently caused a stir in the states. This friend goes on by saying that John McArthur points out several pastors (some of them I subscribe to) with whom he has a problem regarding what they preach.

Now, this is not to scare us and make us stop reading our devotionals. They are good supplements during quiet time, but they should be just that – supplements to help us better understand God’s Word. I believe that our reflections and devotions should be always be mainly referenced on the Bible. God’s Word is alive, and it speaks to us in a very personal way. Replacing that with a devotional is like listening to what its author thinks about God or His Word rather than listening to what God is telling us. And though this is not entirely wrong because such people have gone great lengths to study and reflect on God’s Word, there is a danger in the tendency to take these insights as theology.

Some materials may have its insights based on scripture, and that’s good. But it’s still the author’s insights, not ours. I remember Pastor Nathan Leigh once said that we shouldn’t just take anything we hear/read as valid theology; that we should validate it with what the Bible says. Just because it makes sense doesn’t mean it is true – consult God’s Word and validate, even this article.

Get Acquainted

His disciples remembered that it is written: “Zeal for your house will consume me.” – John 2:17

Remember when you were in your grade school years being taught the fundamental mathematical operations? If you’re the studious type, you actually found it fun being taught the basics of Mathematics. If I ask you right now what 1 + 1 is, you’d be able to answer in a heartbeat. When you ask for the bill and check if it’s correct, you’d be able to spot an error in the computation.

Author’s Note: This is part of the “back to basics” reflection I’ve been doing in the book of John.

There are times that my siblings and I would have geek talks at home. Two of my siblings are engineers; one metallurgical and the other chemical. I remember my younger brother once telling us, “Show me a rock and I will tell you its copper content.” On a separate occasion my sister told me while doing the grocery, “This brand of soy sauce is expensive because its fermentation process is more natural than the others.” (Yes, we have conversations like that at home. Geeky, I know.)

I found the same behavior in Jesus’ disciples when they saw Him clear the temple – overturning tables, filled with zeal to restore respect for His Father’s place. They remembered what was written in the scripture. In this case, they remembered Psalm 69:9. They were able to see the Word. They were able to see it because they were at the very least acquainted with the scripture. I’d like to believe that they didn’t only study the scripture, they meditated on it. Probably, unlike the Pharisees, Jesus’ disciples must’ve taken to heart Psalm 1:2:

But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night.

When you see the sunrise, get an unexpected message of encouragement, been given a long weekend, presented an opportunity to do good to someone, you see God’s Hand at work more clearly. You know He is real. You know He is good. You know He is in control. It’s as if you can see Him.

I remember what my discipler taught us; we won’t know a crooked line unless we know what a straight one looks like. When we know what is true, we know what a lie is when we see one. And we know what is true by meditating on the truth – which is God’s Word. When Jesus was being tempted in the wilderness, He always had an “it is written” answer to Satan. Even the devil quoted scripture in tempting Jesus to throw himself down at the highest point of the temple. But Jesus knew better.

It’s a reminder for me to always be acquainted with God’s Word and meditate on it. It is not only to see the difference between the truth and a lie, but to see God every day.